i apologize that you think whats going on w me is your fault coralys. the last few months have been a build up. today is just one of my bad days. i want you to know no matter how bad my days are, i still see light in us. but i ask you to bear with me. i know we both have stuff that bothers us, but i let mine build up till it gets to a point where i cant control it. i often think or believe that after everything ive been through ive spent enough time self reflecting; learning myself in and out to know whats wrong, but that would be a lie. i hide from the reality of that situation because that means countless months of sitting in my thoughts  have been unsuccessful. i tell myself i know who i am and how i operate, but occasionally days like this come and i still dont know who i am.  admitting that means ive spent years and still have no answer. part of that is my pride protecting itself, part of it is something deep down in running from the fact somethings wrong. afterall if i keep running nothing can catch me right? 

i think i believe that so i can feel like i have control over my own situation, personality, and feelings, but in reality thats not the case. when i took that chocolate bar i was fighting with a thought that burns me straight to the core; the fact that ive known my story always ends early. i saw the sunrise and it put me back in the spot i was when i tried to get away, but i still saw the sunrise. i remember the feeling laying cold on the floor, waking and seeing the sun come up. after essentially raising myself, its hard to let people in. its a very strange feeling to trust someone. and i mean actually trust someone. a feeling i thought until then id grown far away from, but the way i am, the way i grew up, the way ive taught myself to be: theres no way i let myself be successful beyond a certain point. ive always known my story ends before it should. you give me hope that it doesnt end early. i want nothing more than to live life to the fullest with you. i believe if i have a chance to build what ive always wanted, youre the one to build it with. i plead you to understand though whats going on. at this point ive gone through everything alone. i dont know how to deal w problems while im with someone without feeling like a burden. because its genuinely not your problem ive made the choices i have. im trying to teach myself its okay, but its not going very well. if youve ever heard the quote, “im a mosaic of everyone ive ever loved.” i believe that to be true, but in a different fashion. i believe it to be true in the way of “Im a mosaic of everyone ive tried to love.” yes ive taken good parts, but for the most part ive only taken bad parts, and i genuinely have no clue what im doing, 

because out of everyone ive tried with, nothing feels like this does. and honestly its scary. its absolutely terrifying. i dont know how to change how ive taught myself to be. but for you i’ve attempted to unlearn. i’ve attempted to change. but i feel like i cant change. i feel like im at a crossroad, facing who i am and who i couldve been if none of the things ive been through had happened. my biggest fear is losing what i know i should keep, but at the same time i do everything to not keep what i know i should. 

i love you coralys.